dottianne

a must-read. the face smiles.

2009-12-19T02:49:00Z

sometimes i have this dream. it's more like a nightmare, but it's during the day. Yet not a daydream because i am only half-awake and it is evening.

i've done something wrong again and you are yelling at me, or at least speaking in that tone. for no logical reason (for it's only that tone), i cry. i cry. because i've done something wrong again. when you talk to me like that, it is always yelling. i am weak and my stomach begins to pain, so i fall on the floor. crouching and trying to forget the pain. i am still crying. it hurts. it all hurts so much.

you yell again. get off the floor what are you doing are you stupid are you stupid what are you doing get up. there is no need for exclamation points and swear words. you are useless. you say. i am so useless. i am so useless i am so stupid i am so goddamn pathetic you piece of shit you piece of fuckin shit. i get up off the floor. my nose is threatening to drip and i don't dare sniff. but i am embarassed and ridiculous so i do. i think about liquid in my lungs. are you crying. you yell. though you know i am. why are you crying. you are so stupid. i am so stupid. i am so goddamn stupid. i am so goddamn fucking stupid.
"
do you think this helping? crying doesn't solve anything. do you think this is useful? crying? do you? you think this would help you, don't you? no one feels sorry for you. you're being stupid why would anyone feel sorry for you?
"
i want to say i don't want- i'm not looking for- i didn't- i-
i start a word and say nothing
"
what was that? say something! look at me when i am talking to you.
"
i try not to show fear. it doesn't work.
"
stop drowning in your self-pity. that's what it is. self-pity. all you ever think about is yourself. you don't even care about anyone else. do you understand what you've done? you've ruined thd v djjhfr ekzx a
"
i- i don't. i don't understand what i've done. i'm too busy trying to stop crying and understanding your words and all of my concentration is focused on making sure i won't die. i am not dying i am not dying. i am so selfish and stupid and useless

i find myself at the wall, like i do. the walls have nice and sleek arms that grab me choke me and drag me in. i cannot breathe i am still crying. i am enveloped in the dense wall and there is nothing else around me. i am dead.

dorothy is dead.

oh. i am here and you are yelling at me still. the words have slurred together and don't make sense. i catch the words from my memories. words like stupid , useless , pathetic , failure , stupid , self-pity , grow up, stop with your stupid drawing drawing , stop with your stupid comics , stop with your stupid _ ,...

priorities! work! future! smart! think! act! do!

shut up shut up shut up please shut up shut up shut up

i am still crying. i am crying so much. my eyes are hot , i am sweating , my hair is greasy , my face is wet , i am sniffing , there is liquid in my lungs , i cannot see , i cannot breathe , i cannot hear , i cannot feel , and i am hiccuping.

STOP HICCUPING. STOP CRYING.

you grab me by the hair and slam me against the wall. you are not there. i am slamming my head , myself , against the wall over and over and over. i am scratching at my skin with the nails you are angry i didn't cut. the pain. it is different pain. i can feel. i am alive. i must stay alive. everything hurts and i have teaars where my teaars are. i am bleeding everywhere and the pounding pain is everywhere. i am alive.

a friendly voice says you are not allowed to die. you cannot die. the only words i've heard it say.
it fights the voice that says dorothy is dead, i am dead, you are dead, i am dying, dead, die, gone, everything, tragedy, happily ever after,
the first voice is what keeps me alive

You are still there.
What are you doing?
What is this?
Why are you bleeding for?
Stop it.
Stop wasting your time all the time.

I'd stopped crying, but now my eyes are hot again. tears teears.

you are still yelling. you grab me by the hair. my stupid hair you hate so much. and slam me against the mirror. LOOK AT YOURSELF. LOOK AT YOURSELF. LOOK. AT. YOUR. SELF.
My head is being slammed again and again.
"
i- i can't. y- you're you're slamming my face and-
"
i don't even have the courage to say that.

you hold my face up to the mirror and i can see. i can see me. i can see the reflection in the mirror. the world stops around me and i look at and into my sobbing face.
it twists and turns and contorts. it is sweating crying throbbing and bleeding.

it is the ugliest thing i've seen in my entire life.

it doesn't even look like me anymore. it is a monster.
but i recognize me.

i break free and slam my head into the glass.
it breaks as if it's hard and dense and i am bleeding but i go through
on the other side is emptiness
i stare at myself in the third perspective and the mirror is hurriedly piecing itself together.
waist down, i don't make it.
you are screaming on the other side.

the emptiness around me begins to swell. it grows denser and denser and it becomes familiar.
it's the inside of the wall.
but this wall is huge and dense and large and it is nowhere
i cannot move there is a huge pressure.
and an eternal pain.

dorothy is dead.
these words are sweet.
.
.
.
dorothy you are not allowed to die.

dottianne @ 2009-12-17T19:41:00

2009-12-18T00:41:35Z

my visual art is not a world where i am god and i am able to be free. it is a world depends on me. i am not creating it. it is creating itself and i only hope i can do it justice. it is a challenge and it is my self-esteem. it is a reminder i am worth something and its end-product is the proof. if you take this away i will not die. i am not that person. however, i will become a grieving mess on the floor that will be empty but filled with angst and regret and hate. do not take this from me.

the place where i reign as god
i would die without
is

myself

I am the ruler and have freedom in
me

my intelligences: Intrapersonal, Spatial, Linguistic and some Logical.

the voices in my head: part I

2009-12-15T22:13:53Z

[[shut up you have no right to complain]]
<oh um. sorry. i was beings stupid>
-i have every right to complain! if it's what i'm doing it is what i am doing! and don't say i'm stupid.-

ah. my bad. pfft.

dottianne @ 2009-12-04T11:34:00

2009-12-04T16:34:42Z

okay so this is what i worry about most

my parents

lots of anxiety and crying and time spent over this
made me really uncomfortable with adults too
most only reason i care about units at all
can someone say freuudd?
i need to try

art

career-wise

therefore units also

talent

working
time
I NEED TO TRY

career

a career's importance
science or art
i'm not using my intelligence to its fullest

apparently

units units units
will i have the money for it
can i even apply for any scholarships
I NEED TO TRY

who i am

i think i'm pretty much fine.
my confidence is pretty decent

i just need to take better care of myself

i really do need to take better care of myself

i need to look the way i want
and be healthy

i don't even try
it's the only thing that leaves me feeling pathetic
and stupid
and worthless
because I don't try
i don't know why
why don't i just try?
what have i got to lose
what have i got to lose
what have i got to lose by trying
what have i got to lose
what have i got to lose

so yea. i don't worry about you much. or them.
i would like a good friend, but i think i've got a few.
i know they're busy sometimes, so okay
sometimes i worry if i'm bothering them
i do worry about you
i want you to be happy
even if i don't spend too much time on it

did you hear that?

I want YOU to be HAPPY

i want to be happy

but i always want

YOU
to be
HAPPY

(yes, "YOU" refers to you. if you're reading this, or even if you aren't.)

dottianne @ 2009-11-30T21:22:00

2009-12-01T02:22:19Z

maybe i'm a nobody but i'm tired of your shit. your words don't speak to me, your speech doesn't reach me, you haven't made any connection with me in a while
our only excuse of contact is mutual friends. that's pretty pathetic.

i know you've got your shit, but that doesn't mean you have to be such a fucktard. i don't know why i try when we don't matter but you make me sad sometimes.
but you know,
sad for you

dottianne @ 2009-11-18T23:23:00

2009-11-19T04:23:32Z

i would like a bit more than this self-pitying bullshit, but i am crying and they didn't have to tear pieces of me.

please know that i love you

all of you

and especially those who know who they are

dottianne @ 2009-11-11T00:14:00

2009-11-11T05:15:17Z

I don't got no poetry in me right now but I have plenty of dreams and therefore a plenty of stories. NanowWrimo would be nice if I wasn't such a fail.

Express yourself

2009-11-09T03:32:27Z

Hey mofos. give me the answer to the questions that question the truth. Also, tell me what you think of my latest Spoken Word. I think I am improving.

The Price Of A Soul

i was watching and listening and after even youtubing

and i think to myself

IF I HAD THAT SOUL

BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOUL

the soul in their body in their selves in their whole

the soul in their song in their words in their movements

the soul in their song

their song their words their everything

that soul 's embodiment

and i think

IF I HAD THAT SOUL

but if you step back and let the words wrap around your heart

and let it reach the clockworks and buzz of your brain and mind

i came to realize

that SOUL

that soul

the price of a soul is high

The Price of A Soul Is High

like that credit card commercial

It costs time and money and energy and will and flesh and blood and Priceless

when you lose your soul you gain so much more soul

myself, i pay for my soul every night.

every night i spend crying and dying and dying and dying

about my things that have happened that blink on and off and activating

the things that have hurt me

that is the price of my Soul

the things that have kicked me and broken me and i die for

that is the price of my Soul

MY HURT AND MY PAIN AND MY EMPTINESS AND MY LONELINESS

That Is The Price Of My Soul

the price of a soul is high is high

The Price of A Soul is High

because the girl who thought she loved and tried and tried and was rejected and heartbroken

the kid who was just trying to get mom's approval and tried and tried

the boy who is looking for the girl the girl who will make him real again

the lady who was made a whore for her trying love but is made into a 'that girl'

the boymen who sings their song into a puff of smoke- i have yet to meet or understand- but they have tried and tried

Because we feel we have every right to live and live and live and live

and just let us live

you know i hate this pain but it is what it takes to live

the rhythm in their hearts

the schism that keeps us apart

from our loves&needs but becomes art

is soul? is soul. Is soul.

It is soul we are given. It is soul we pay for. It is soul we paid with.

The Price Of A Soul is may be a God-Given High low

The Price Of A Soul is High

among things i don't regret there is Soul

dottianne @ 2009-11-07T23:45:00

2009-11-08T04:55:11Z

because you know that if my problem didn't become physical
you wouldn't consider it one
it's not even a habit but a craving
a craving not for my relief or tension or satisfaction
but for attention
because i know that you know that if my problem didn't become physical
you wouldn't consider it one

because i am dying and dying and dying and dying
in the every heart of me
my heart and my mind and parts of soul
what does it matter to me if it's
body

as soon as my problems become skin deep
they are deep?

I don't think that it bothers me.
I don't think that it bothers me too much that I've clawed at myself until its bled. bleeding. blood.

I think it bothers me that I am doing something and I break down
crying
and dying and dying and dying
and dying.

am i so stupid?

my firefox isn't working

2009-10-31T02:03:28Z

I would upload this on photobucket but i'm on a cheap interpet explorer without flash so..

how i love livejournal! and now i have uploaded it onto photobucket. LOVELY.

draft one?

2009-10-29T01:50:23Z

i'm considering Express Yourself guys

this is my introduction(.
i am dorothy manuel.)

it's huge it's great it's amazing it's inspiration
because i saw you all expressing yourselves
i think i better get up there if nothing else
but really i've barely got rhyme or rhythm
and now i'm stuck for a word like. um. er. bythm chithm schism? schism. fail.

so future warning; i'll just go asian with my rhymes and references
bootleg and on sale at pacific mall
.see like that.

i don't got much in me in terms of love and war but i've got me
it's why i worry about writing something that'll affect people
because even if it had an defection in me it may not even have a effect on them
with nothing on like an affection i'm afraid i won't make a connection
but i've got me?
on the topic of t-i-o-n, though i've not yet got infatuation, i've got confliction, infliction, addiction, evolution, tempations, isolation and some depression
s-s-i-o-n my bad

and though i am not the girl with the sinus infection next to her brain (god bless francisca)
i am a girl with infections in her mind. infections of emotion, ideals, beliefs, et cetera et cetera and i find myself repeating myself

so i may not have the most experienced, deep, tragic or miraculous soul, i've sure got one. and with that to give, i try to present an expression of myself sorry sorry

i am dorothy manuel and this is my introduction.

HEARTLESS BITCH

2009-10-28T01:03:33Z

dorothyanne: my life would be spectacular if.. iunno i had an epiphany, jesus came, i dedicated my life to african orphans
dorothyanne: or something
Connie: really, african orphans?
dorothyanne: iunno, what do people usually dedicate their lives to?
dorothyanne: i know i know. asthmatic kittens
dorothyanne: eh eh?
Connie: and really, I didn't want to imply anything. I'm actually trying to keep my insults to myself
Connie: what about... women abuse.
dorothyanne: i will not join gender justice connie
Connie: i never asked, dorothy
dorothyanne: oh of course.
dorothyanne: OF COURSE
Connie: i'm just saying.... or! cancer
Connie: kids with cancer!
dorothyanne: sick kids with cancer!
Connie: as if sick kids wasn't getting enough attention, of course
dorothyanne: ding ding ding!
Connie: we have a winner
dorothyanne: i'd rather help abused female asthmatic kitten orphans with cancer in africa
Connie: i never liked cats much
Connie: but, to each her own
dorothyanne: yea, but can you not feel sorry for
dorothyanne: BABY CATS
dorothyanne: ALLERGIC
dorothyanne: TO THEIR OWN FUR???

dorothyanne: D:
Connie: they can shave
Connie: dont they shed it all off anyway
dorothyanne: what
dorothyanne: no no cats don't have razors
dorothyanne: they just scratch and gnaw at themselves until the fur falls off and raw skin is exposeed
dorothyanne: 8|
Connie: oh. how pleasant
Connie: can't people shave it off for them
Connie: and people in africa should just eat these cats
Connie: since they have no parents anyway, so no family to miss them. and, they're allergic, and i'm sure razors aren't a priority in africa, so they should just eat these pitiful cats
dorothyanne: D:
dorothyanne: you
dorothyanne: are a heartless bitch you know
Connie: are heartless
Connie: oh damn. you typed that one second before me.
dorothyanne: YOU DAMN RIGHT I DID
Connie: I'm not. really, I'm just...
dorothyanne: THIS SHIT IS GOING ON LJ

i swear to god this is amazing

2009-10-27T01:48:14Z

dorothyanne: IDUNNO
dorothyanne: ASK
dorothyanne: YOUR
dorothyanne: MOTHER
angeli.: She's not home right now D:
dorothyanne: MK
dorothyanne: rabies
angeli.: rhymes with babies.
dorothyanne: rhymes with
dorothyanne: HONAY BEEZ
angeli.: LIKE DUDE I DROPPED MY PEAS.
dorothyanne: WHAAT
dorothyanne: NOO
dorothyanne: PICK THEM UP
dorothyanne: PICK THEM UP NOW
dorothyanne: WHILE THEY'RE STILL FALLING
angeli.: THEY KEEP ROLLING
angeli.: D:
dorothyanne: YOU PIECE OF SHIT
angeli.: MADNESS.
dorothyanne: PICK THEM UP
dorothyanne: DAMMIT
angeli.: FUCKING CONTRACTOR. MY FLOORS ARE SLANTED.
dorothyanne: I KNEW NOTHING GOOD WOULD COME OF YOU
dorothyanne: AND YOUR PEAS
dorothyanne: WHY
dorothyanne: WHY
dorothyanne: WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO MEE
dorothyanne: PEEAS
angeli.: I THREW THEM TO THE TREEEES
dorothyanne: TREES
angeli.: TO LIVE IN HARMONY
dorothyanne: DON'T NEED
dorothyanne: PEAS
angeli.: WITH ALL THE GREENS
dorothyanne: THEY DON'T
dorothyanne: I
dorothyanne: ME
dorothyanne: I NEED PEAS
dorothyanne: GIVE THEM TO ME
dorothyanne: PEAS
angeli.: WHY WOULD I GIVE YOU MY PEAS
dorothyanne: WHY WOULD YOU NOT MIMOOSHKA
dorothyanne: THE TREEES
dorothyanne: ARE UNGRATEFUL
dorothyanne: BIITCHHS
dorothyanne: Beech
dorothyanne: (haha like the tree)
dorothyanne: (seewhatididthere)
dorothyanne: BUT I
dorothyanne: I NEED PEAS
dorothyanne: PLEASE
dorothyanne: PEAS
dorothyanne: THEY MAY
dorothyanne: APPEASE
dorothyanne: The PEAS
dorothyanne: PLEASE PLEASE
dorothyanne: PEAS
angeli.: ALAS THEY WILL FREEZE
angeli.: THE PEAS
angeli.: BEFORE THEY ROLL TO YOUR KNEES
dorothyanne: THE PEAS?
angeli.: YEEZ
dorothyanne: YOUR KNEES!
dorothyanne: THE PEAS!
dorothyanne: Alas!
dorothyanne: THEY WILL FREEZE
dorothyanne: WHAT A FATE
dorothyanne: FALLS TO
angeli.: AH MON DIEU THE DOG, HE PEES.
dorothyanne: THE FALL
angeli.: ON SAID PEAS
dorothyanne: OF THE PEAS
dorothyanne: HE PEES
dorothyanne: HE PEES
dorothyanne: HE PEES
angeli.: AND HE HAS FLEAS
dorothyanne: OH FLEAS!
dorothyanne: THEY WILL GO TO PEAS
dorothyanne: BUT NOT ON THE PEES
dorothyanne: THEY WON'T GO TO THE PEAS
dorothyanne: with the pees
dorothyanne: oh your dog with the fleas
dorothyanne: that pees on the peas
dorothyanne: that were s'posed to freeze
angeli.: they did freeze, the peas
angeli.: as the dog pees
dorothyanne: before you threw them to trees
angeli.: excuse me I must sneeze
dorothyanne: but they fell
dorothyanne: bless you then
dorothyanne: and they rolled on your floor
dorothyanne: the peas
dorothyanne: the peas
dorothyanne: have been peed on once more
dorothyanne: OH DOG
dorothyanne: YES WITH THE FLEAS
dorothyanne: Does he not know
dorothyanne: the master he is to appease
dorothyanne: he merely pees
dorothyanne: and pees
dorothyanne: and pees
dorothyanne: on the poor little peas
dorothyanne: and THOUGH
dorothyanne: I said please
dorothyanne: i will not acquire
dorothyanne: these peas
angeli.: I ask you, please
angeli.: please accept these fresh peas
dorothyanne: fresh peas!
angeli.: with no dog with fleas that pees on new peas
dorothyanne: i will take care
dorothyanne: so that they may not fall
angeli.: and roll til they roll no more having met the wall
dorothyanne: oh peas
dorothyanne: PEAS
dorothyanne: how joyous we've become
dorothyanne: to be joined once more
dorothyanne: LET US DANCE
dorothyanne: TO THE SUN
angeli.: TO THE SUN?
angeli.: OH WHAT FUN.
dorothyanne: YES I KNOW
dorothyanne: It must be done.
dorothyanne: and those fallen peas
dorothyanne: not peed
dorothyanne: may be moved by the breeze
dorothyanne: are a sight to behold
dorothyanne: as all the world sees
angeli.: these fresh new peas
angeli.: with our hair in the breeze, we feel free...ze
dorothyanne: and with nothing left to comprehend
dorothyanne: we have traveled, my friend
dorothyanne: to the end
dorothyanne: THE END

dottianne @ 2009-10-26T18:23:00

2009-10-26T23:52:10Z

Dorothy, You have to suck in that pride of yours. If you are going to pass this course, there will be much shame.

I need to learn humility.

my heart aches. it saddens, disheartens, and falls.

everyone makes mistakes. "everyone" includes me. I can make mistakes.

i am falling falling falling falling falling no i don't love this like i do you make it stop falling falling falling so hard falling falling falling falling when will the ground come end this end this falling falling falling

i need to learn to ask for help.

i need to learn to try my hardest and be okay with a 60 something.

i need to learn to stop faIling

did i not learn properly how to live?

how do you live

i think i'm built a bit wrong

maybe i've got a base but forgot foundation?

wait no is that possible

people are dying children are crying

did i dream wrong

ow i'm hurting again

ow ow

'i don't think i like talking to you

no i mean, i think i do

but it doesn't feel like it'

am i wrong again for saying that?

what am i doing what am i doing

i want my life in order and normality restored

i'm not asking to be great or perfect or anybody else

i just want to be me with better

i want to be better than i am now

i would say better person but that would imply i want to be someone else

what am i doing what am i doing

i know i don't need to solve my life out now but i want o be able to do english

i need to convince myself that my hardest is enough and a bare pass is okay

it's okay if my journal is shit

it's okay it's okay

it's okay if my journal is shit in a grade nine course i'm supposed to be fast tracking

i swear i'm going to throw up

noononononononon make it stop make it stopp

Oh look. I'm talking to myself depressively. What else is new?

Words to remember

2009-10-26T22:08:43Z

in the form of a list?

wondrous
marvelous
amazing
splendiferous
beautiful
fabrous
glorious
sensational
extraordinary
remarkable
miraculous
delicious
magnificent
phenomenal
stupendous
delectable
fantastic
fabulous
smashing
spectacular
astonishing
gorgeous
radiant
excellent
delightful
refreshing

lovely
beauteous

dashing

make sure to add these words to your everyday vocabulary

--alternative

awesome
fuckawesome
orgasmic
badassmotherfucking (BAMF)
rad
tubular
groovy

dottianne @ 2009-10-24T00:12:00

2009-10-24T04:14:06Z

dottianne @ 2009-10-23T18:37:00

2009-10-23T22:38:11Z

there was a letter i didn't send to my mom once. i wish i still had it. it could be an Unsent Letter.

dottianne @ 2009-10-22T18:52:00

2009-10-22T23:45:28Z

hay guys let's jump off a cliff because i think that's what kids do these daays
let us be pohpyoolah.

i hate my house i hate my room i hate my bed it's just trying to get away from itself.

2009-10-21T00:49:42Z

another one of dorothy's strange dreeeammsss. where's freud when you need him.
--

I dreamt that I wanted to die. I wanted to die so desperately. I'm not sure why but I really wanted to die. So I opened my window, tore the screen and climbed out. I looked down and realized I was scared of heights. Because I am. I hate heights. My first reaction was to jump. I don't like being high, I'd rather fall.

But I kept on climbing. I was on the roof of my house. A view I've always wanted to see. And then someone else was there. I turned around to face them, they told me not to jump. I took a step back and did.

Usually, that'd be the end of me and I'd have woken up. But I woke up still dreaming. I knew it was a dream and wanted to wake up. But it felt all too real. So real. I felt the need to stay and experience it.

When I woke up in the dream and I saw people. I was in a hospital. I couldn't move. I felt nothing. All I could do was watch and listen. It was as if I wasn't there. A member of the third person. But they were talking to me. Someone explained that I survived the fall. I would go into therapy now. Do I understand? If so, blink twice. And I did.
-
My eyes were the only thing I had that could feel and move. Reverse-blindness.

It seemed like months, but probably was a few minutes. It was like a montage. Of training. I used a device like I'd seen in documentaries to communicate. A camera was focused on my eyes and there was a screen below me. The screen would highlight a set of letters and letters. It would go along the alphabet. When it stopped at the letter I wanted, I'd look up and the camera would register the letter as selected by the whites of my eyes. This is actual technology. It was a long and toiling process, but didn't seem as long.

I asked to go to school. I knew I could know longer have a proper education, and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. But I wanted to visit.

I was in the wheelchair I always wanted to have. And went by elevator. I sortof understood what it was like to have people look at you like that. I hoped my head was positioned upright and that I wasn't drooling. I thought I understood. But when I passed by the other student in a wheelchair, she gave me a look of pity. I felt like crying. And I did. It was the only thing I could do.

People I knew came by. Or at least, people who claimed to have known me. They talked about how much they missed me and asked how I was. Some people I knew gave me a card. Foolishly, it said "Get Well Soon" it was signed by people I didn't even know. Well, I knew them, but I also knew these people wouldn't have signed my locker on my birthday.

In a slur of grey and empty, I cried. The entire time I cried. I could not wipe my eyes and my eyes were drowned with tears.

There was a message I kept entering into my screen. Kill me now. Please. Please just kill me now.

Afterwards, I spent my time watching movies and crying. They felt empty.

Crying in my hospital yet again, my brother walked in and sat down. He watched me for a moment and said hi. He didn't look my brother. He was at least 13. I said hi back. I looked at him for a moment and told him kill me now. his eyes were sad. but he understood. he asked. how? pull the plug i answered. I don't know how I knew, but I now assume the cable was connected to my heart or lungs. hurry i said. i knew the nurses would be coming soon. my messages were probably recorded. he leaned down and i cried warmly again. I think I heard a scream and

I let myself wake up.

dorothy what the hell was that. my eyes were wet and warm.

dottianne @ 2009-10-19T19:42:00

2009-10-19T23:43:09Z

Sometimes I'm not sure myself if I care. I hope I do. I think I do. ):

what do i want to be

2009-10-18T04:23:19Z

i think probably if i knew what i wanted to be as a kid it would be

to be loved and that everyone else is loved too

the latter was simple. all i had to do was love everyone else. and then they would be loved by me.

but i tried so hard to be loved. to make it so everyone would love me.

time and time again i was hurt. i thought

the cruel reality of this world is that not everyone is nice
not everyone can love you

and not even the people you love most can love you

so i gave up

what's the point of caring when no one cares in return
what's the point of caring over and over

and so i hated
i hated and hated
and cried and saddened

i tried caring again and was hurt again

so i stopped caring
and life was decisive and trivial

but it was broken in this dream where it was a lovely place
and then the lovely place was gone

and life was bleak
i spent it thinking
trying to find a meaning

and so the girl who tried to love and find love
tried desperately to love herself

i don't know the rest of the story yet
but i think i should change

dottianne @ 2009-10-17T23:46:00

2009-10-18T03:48:53Z

mom you cannot do this. let me have my moments and let me just sit and carve a pumpkin.
my time on the computer is not alone time. it is me trying to forget.
i want to go sit and carve a pumpkin.

dottianne @ 2009-10-14T23:42:00

2009-10-18T03:46:02Z

I took a nap and slept in a strange position. I dunno it was just a hit the hay position, but it ended up like a dancing pose.

and so i had a dream.

i dreamt that i could dance. I was dancing contemporary in a world that was nowhere. just dancing. whatever movement i made was fluid and graceful. it was strange and wonderful. and then i decided i needed a partner; dancing alone was fun but only and solo. and suddenly i wore a gown. a great big dress. it was light and voluminous and frillsy and like my photoshop doodlies when i'm pouring out after lack of creative expression. and i was dancing and floating without effort. but what. i looked up at the person holding me and I didn't like it. i'd rather not be simply led and moved and following. and so i began to lead. I was upright and tall and in a spiffy suit. It was magic. I looked down and the person floating did not have a face. i knew i was dreaming, so i stared at her until one came. but one did not materialize. this faceless person stared deep into my eyes and i did not know what to do. i woke up.

--in other news

helen you cannot ride your marshmallow to the moon. no stoppit. not your jellybean either. OHMIGODHELEN you're so embarassing.

dottianne @ 2009-10-13T00:57:00

2009-10-13T04:59:10Z

You know how I posted once how I sleep? The things I tell myself and think about until my melodrama stops and fades away and I convince myself of my wonderfulness so tomorrow I can start over?

That hasn't happened yet. All last week. I wasn't able to convince myself. I have to try harder.

to me, you just seem stupid.

2009-10-10T17:01:26Z

what the hell do you know? you're fifteen and you think yourself hurt by love. what makes you think you know love? you haven't even lived life.

though of course , i've lived a lot less than you.